


The Haymitch Abernathy Story

by kp_probablygrounded



Category: The Hunger Games (Movies)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-19
Updated: 2016-01-19
Packaged: 2018-05-15 02:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5767777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kp_probablygrounded/pseuds/kp_probablygrounded
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A brief story of Haymitch Abernathy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this within the 2 days this weekend I was grounded. I've never wrote anything, so enjoy it, or don't.   
> Also, my paragraphs didn't indent ?? I apologize lmao I barely know how to use this site

     I woke up to a hole in my curtain, the sun shining in my face and a terrible headache. Not that is was anything i wasn't used to anyway. The kid needs me over since the baby is due to be born any day now. How the hell he convinced her is way beyond me. I doubt she even wants it, probably just feels like she owes him, which she does but he would never let her for that reasoning. 

Apparently I need to look 'at least half way presentable' since Annie and her son Zayle are coming today and staying for a week. It took me a good 25 minutes to find a shirt that wasn't stained or had no holes. They know me, everyone knows me. No one has any expectations of nice clothes and a sober heart warming guy.I have only seen everyone a few times since the revolution and I am more then happy with that consistency. Effie doesn't come around much. When she does its the usual routine of me drinking, me doing or saying something stupid and her getting mad and leaving the next day.

 

The girl's mom is supposed to come too. But she said that before. At least now when everyone comes it's not the depression therapy circle. Our last gathering I was forced into was 7 hours of sitting at a table, someone saying something, everyone else crying and then someone comforting. It was a big rotation in which, I was always the one to break the trend. They want a new start, they get it, and then all the do is talk about it. It's disgusting. Mrs. Everdeen is acting human and not as her usual zombie like self. She even sends me happy cards twice a year. Although It took seven months and a picture for her to believe Katniss was pregnant. She wouldn't be saying that if she was the neighbor of the lovely couple who never shuts the bedroom window.

I grab the flask that's almost full because once i am over there, i don't see them letting me come back anytime soon. Or me moving anytime soon for that matter. Really, the only reason i am going is for the refreshments. Though they only buy the cheap shit if any and won't open the wine from their wedding.If you have expensive alcohol, you may as well drink it. In other words, every time I am at their house I am sober and disappointed. 

 

I staggered and swayed into the door seeing Annie having tea with Peeta in the kitchen. "Well you're here bright and early." I said with a fake smile.

Annie looked slightly confused.

"3pm is pretty early for Haymitch" explained Peeta.

Zayle was in the other room sitting on the couch. If i was drunk i would have mistaken him for his father, Finnick Odair. His hair was copper, nice and shiny but that could also mean he hasn't showered in a while.

"There is the little ball of sunshine!" i joked at the sign of Katniss. She was huge. It took nearly everything in me to not joke about it.She looked uncomfortable and agitated. 

 

"This is horrible. Why isn't it coming out?" she spoke while walking barefoot into the kitchen.

I decided to get cozy and put my feet on the table and my hands behind my back. " So Peeta, how many times have you put a bun in the oven that took 9 months to take out?" I said with a chuckle.

The kid laughed but it died as soon as she gave him a serious dart look. She never learns to appreciate my good humor. 

"Zayle" said Annie, "put your work away we are visiting. I told you, you'll have time to work on it before school starts back up." This followed with a sigh and him trailing in here and standing in the corner. He is about 15 now. His sea green eyes, athletic body, copper hair and tanned skin is surely handsome to anyone who pays attention. The book he left on the couch was about no other then the Games. Of course they learn about them. Why wouldn't they? It's hard to remember that the games weren't nearly as bad for everyone else, especially if you weren't living in them. But he did lose a father, that's enough to give someone enough stress I guess.

Countless boring and useless conversations later and I find myself reading. Reading. A topic that is nearly foreign to me. The most interesting part is the lies about the revolution. Not obvious lies. But obvious to three of the people in the other room. They got Katniss all wrong. I'm sure even aquaman in there could point out that was never her personality. The Rebels didn't plan this from the minute she volunteered. This is bullshit. She did it for more sentimental reasons. But they do make her sound more badass then she already is.

I close the book and head back into the other room. Shaking my empty glass with ice and heading to the fridge,I look over to see an offended Peeta. Katniss is, well, not here. They probably got into an argument, as is scheduled every day.

 

" Did I miss anything good?" I asked while smelling the cheese for sign of expiration.

Peeta glared at me. Clearly not fond of me asking. " I am every ones least favorite member of the rebellion." He said hurt.

"Surprised?"I questioned while enjoying his unhappiness. Annie left the room looking for Katniss.

 

" Zayle has a project to do and won't let me help. All of his classmates hate me." Peeta said as if he were about to cry. I was not surprised. They made him look really weak in the books as if he was Katniss's only flaw.

"Project? Why the hell are you doing that now?" I said while eating a piece of high quality cheese and sipping the Mellark's shitty alcohol.

 

" I uh" Zayle stuttered."Have to do a project on any tribute that made it past the first day."

I spit out some of my drink. "Do you think we were dancing with butterflies in there? I stepped toward him. " I don't think you understand. No one wants to talk about those anymore." My voice slightly raised, "Its over. Done with." With that, before letting anyone speak, I left the house shutting the door behind me.

Does he know the shit it put some of us through? Sure he does. The books he reads don't make them look good. He should know the intolerable conditions in the arena and out we had to deal with. The mental conditions that followed afterwards. The afterwards we were lied about. The hearts that stopped beating for a corrupt government.The expensive things we can buy, but the priceless things we lost.For the few tributes who are still alive, they found their reason to live. I'm still looking for mine.

     I sat on my couch, unaware of how long because my brain had its own version of time. No one had any reason to be here.

There is a knock on the door. I just sit still. I don't want to talk and as long as it isn't Katniss, they'll just walk away.

The door opened and Zayle walked in. I guess i was wrong.

"Sorry. My mom won't let me in until I apologize."He said very insincerely. 

 

I stared at my wall, not making any eye contact. "I'll help you with your project."

"no Hay-."

"Shut up." I cut him off and held my head up using one arm on the table.He just stared at me, waiting for me to say something. But I had nothing else to say. Did he think i meant now? "Two rules. 1. I'm not repeating any part, so don't ask. 2. Don't interrupt. Now, lets get started"


	2. Chapter 2

"Haymitch Abernathy! You better get my shoes down from that tree." said the ten year old, Belladonna Barkley. She had medium length wavy light brown hair and blue eyes with a serious glare.

 

I laughed. "What do you suppose you'll do about it?" I asked. Me and my friends have been doing what ten year old boys do best, tormenting the girls. None of them ever do anything about it. We have been joking with her for years. Clearly, it wasn't seen as a joke both ways. She was the only one who was the least bit threatening. She knew how to gut a deer, I'm guessing humans can't be that much different.

     She trotted over to me in her worn out socks not seeming very friendly. "Fine." she said, "If you don't want to get them, I'll make sure you can't." Before i could recognize what was happening, she swung full force in the center of my face, pushed me on the ground and stepped on my ankle. My nose was bleeding and my ankle made a bone splitting sound.

I woke up at home with my left foot propped up on a pillow and my six year old brother, Coal, in a chair sorting out berries. I didn't realize until I was fully awaken the immense pain coming from both my head and my ankle. My mother provided with me some leftover, and probably expired medicine. "Did she get her shoes back?" I asked my mom. Her only response was a disappointed look.

    After a week the headache went away and I could continue going to school. My ankle was going to take a bit longer, and I hated it. It was wrapped over and over again making it look like a large boot. A cement like material made it horribly uncomfortable and worst of all, made me walk with an embarrassing limp. It made me slow. I hated slow. My whole life everything was fast paced and energetic. I also hated going to school. But going did mean one thing, I could see Belladonna Barkley again. She hated when people used her full name, and that's why I always used it.

 

 

We are both now fourteen years old and know nothing about love. But I do love her. We would never say it though. Our relationship is nothing like that. Thousands of romantic things to say popped into my head, but I never said them. She is a storm. Impossible to handle. Both of us being extremely stubborn made things even harder. No one ever said, 'I wish i had a relationship like Haymitch and Bella.' We were too competitive. We made it work but no one else could understand how. We were perfectly inseparable. We acted like we were forced to be around each other all the time. But we never jokingly said we hated each other either. Both knew they need the other and thought it was safer to leave their emotions inside.

The Hunger Games were ignored. We thought probability and neither of us were going to be chosen. Both of our fathers are coal miners so we took tesserae. But every day, I went to hunt and she went to pick fruits, nuts or really whatever she could find. I wouldn't call anyone happy in 12 but we were okay as far as 12 goes. The only horrible days were the days when the electrical fence was turned on or the cold was too much to handle. Life was routine since we grew up way to fast.

 

When you start to realize your house being held together by wood planks and rusty nails or the fact that eating a piece of bread once or twice a day is considered a good meal you start thinking. And when you do that, you start to pity yourself. And when that happens, things get a lot worse.

When we were 15, Bella's dad got a disease from being around coal too much. He was all she had. No siblings and the mom died when she was three. The disease is recognizable around here and without the Capitol's medicine, he'll be dead within two years. This meaning, I had to hunt and support for an extra two people. The one day a week my father got off work, he helped.

It was a late September evening. Leaves were falling, fruits and berries ready to be harvested. I was bathing getting ready for school the next day and helping my brother fix up the house. My father went into the woods. The same woods I was in earlier that day. The fence was off I told him. A few years earlier, he went deaf in his right ear and partially deaf in his left due to a near by mine explosion. He was alive and unharmed besides the internal damage done to his ear. But I told him the fence was off. It was getting late and he had work the next day. I thought maybe he had went to the hob so i wasn't worried.

My mom woke me up early in the morning, somewhere between 1-4am. I was too confused and tired to tell, but it sounded as if she was crying. Only one candle was lit and it was too hard to see if she was. Then she told me the news. My father's fried body was found next to the fence. I told him it was off.He is dead because I told him it was off. He was nearly deaf there is no way he could have heard the static hum everyone else could. How are we supposed to live without him? We were struggling already. He is dead and it is all my fault. So i got up and I went to the woods. Going past the fence that is now shut off. Leaving. Leaving everyone behind for a week.

The thoughts that ran through my head that week. What everyone was doing in district 12, it wasn't living. I don't see a point to any of us. We're here and all we do is suffer.I constantly questioned why I kept my heart beating. Why I thought for even a second that I was ever happy. Why I thought I was ever going to be happy. And every time it came back to them. My mother, my brother and Bella. I had them,who at the moment i failed to protect. So i did go back. I don't think Bella ever forgave me for leaving for a week and I wasn't going to ask her to. I walked into her house looking like I just rolled in mud.  
     "You are a complete asshole Haymitch. Next time you want pull a stunt like this, remind your self your responsibilities can't just be transferred over to mine." She was nearly screaming but the hate in her eyes went away after we locked eye contact. Her face was lacking color and more sunken in then usual. The sparkling blue eyes I used to know dulled making the bags under her eyes more noticeable. Every thing about her was a mess. The red in her eyes signifying she probably hasn't slept much. I've only seen her cry once or twice, but I would know when she did. She was an ugly cryer, but it made her eyes have a certain filter. I didn't respond to her, but she didn't need one. The tension eased and she embraced me. She sighed,"I'm sorry about your dad. But you can't only think about yourself. How am I supposed to continue knowing you would leave at any time?."   
     She was right. She didn't say it, but it was potentially a deal breaking trait. It was unfair and I understood her completely, I just didn't know how to tell her. "I came back." I said trying to reassure her. She let go of the hug and pushed me back with medium effort. "That's not the point." Her tone changed from soft to irritated, "Go home and take a bath. There are others who would love to hear your shitty excuses."   
     We didn't talk for a week after that. That is two weeks without the things I liked the most. The wrinkling of her nose, her laugh, the way she bit her lip and stroked her hand through her hair when she got too tired.It wasn't she wouldn't talk to me but, I gave her the space. There was small talk of her giving me commands of where to put things, and I still saw her multiple hours out of the day. Without each other, we would die of starvation or exposure within the next year. 

We lied about my father's death. We had to burn his body and say he died in a mine. If we didn't, the Capitol would hurt us. I didn't think the Capitol could hurt me. That is where the games really started.


	3. Chapter 3

The closer to the 2nd quarter quell the worse it got. Peacekeepers kept catching more and more people going into the woods. Then there was the announcement of the quell. The happy cheerful voice saying double the tributes are going into the arena this year. People even more paranoid then usual. 

 

About a month before reaping day, Coal got sick. Not a little virus. He never moved. Never ate. Hardly ever talked. A week before reaping day, we realized he wasn't getting better. Or at least not better before then. The Capitol hardly ever took exceptions when it came to the games, but a bed ridden kid was one of them.

"Hey there buddy. How're you feelin'? " I said and sat on the edge of his bed. His eyes looked as if they were glued closed, him trying to keep them open.

"Did she talk to them?" His voice rasped and obviously in pain. I looked down. I didn't want to tell him. He would never let me just to get his name out.

"Yeah. She did... Your name is out." I said now making eye contact.

" You don't seem happy. Is there something else?" He knew something was up.

"Yeah it's nothing." I readjusted myself. "They just um... replaced all your entries with my name."

"No. Why would you do that? Without you everyone is as good as dead anyway. I wasn't going to get picked." He said getting quieter by the word.

"Hey I'm not going in the games either way. And in two weeks they'll be over and you'll be better. Right?" I said. I knew of his condition. And it kills me to think I have no idea how its going to end. Whether or not he'll make it through his sickness. For the first time in my life I was worried about the games. But why? Mostly everyone else had their names in just as much.

The week didn't go slow enough. My mom stayed home with Coal leaving me to walk with Bella. My mother didn't even look at me. It was if she knew something I didn't or, she was mad. Everyone is always silent on reaping day. It seems that even babies know not to cry. The decently long walk seemed to only take minutes. I split from Bella and head to the male section of the slaughter pile. Standing there, waiting for everyone to get organized seemed to take hours. Then it starts.

The escort's voice makes me want to vomit. The video is something everyone could do without. She calls the two girls, Maysilee and Evangeline. Then she makes her way over to the boy's bowl. You can tell it's a little more crowded then the girl's bowl.

 

"And the first male tribute in the second Quarter Quell is, Haymitch Abernathy!" I walked up to the platform as the other name was called. I found it difficult to think. I don't know if its fair to say I'm shocked considering I rethought the scenarios in my head a thousand times in the last week. All of them but one ending with me alive. I look and see a few families crying. Not mine though, they aren't here. I won't be able to say any last words like everyone else did and how everyone else will. Maybe that is a good thing, I won't provide false hope that I'll survive and they won't be as shocked when I don't come back.

Then they let us in to say goodbye. After a few minutes in silence,Bella walked in and held me in a long friendly embrace. She wouldn't cry in front of me and I wouldn't want her to, but i suspect tears will run after she leaves. I didn't need a girlfriend, I needed a survival companion. I couldn't risk her going into a state of depression and not keeping up with the necessities. I decided to break the silence, "I'll never forgive you... If you let them starve." I never said I was the most romantic and the scenarios I sorted never included the goodbyes.  
     Acknowledging but not responding, she let me go and started untying her left shoe. She took out the lace and tied it around my wrist.  
    I loved her. I could have told her but if we weren't in these circumstances, I wouldn't have. I'm not going to tell her because of the Games. That wouldn't be us. I couldn't change who we were during our last minutes.  
    "Haymitch we are running out of time." She said softly. It wasn't till then I realized how angry I was. It wasn't that I was unlucky.  I was claimed as unlucky the minute I was born in District 12. My father's death, my brother getting ill, and now this. The odds were never in my favor.  
"I'm sorry." I said as staring at the ground.  
"You have no reason for apologizing now."   
"I'm leaving you again."  
    Just then a peacekeeper came into clear the room. As he was guiding her out she said "I'll do my job, you do yours. Stay alive." The door shut and for the first time I felt completely alone. The last words were in a tone I couldn't stop thinking of. She knows there is nothing any one can do to save me. Alive. Me staying alive because that's what I wanted her to say and it's what she wanted to say. That's what you do when  the movie is over, give them the line they want to hear.

 

The train ride was 10x as horrible as I imagined. The other tributes had a mentality of a pigeon.  The mentor was a complete moron. The only reason he won was the Capitol had to kill Titus, a tribute who resorted to cannibalism to survive. So Titus and the last 10 tributes were killed in an avalanche while our mentor,Orion, was making a bread crumb trail so he doesn't get lost. Along with that, he had no problem going completely naked when it was hot out. No one ever talked about him in 12. But people in the Capitol enjoyed making fun of him. He was an embarrassment to our district.  
     "I bet you're as happy as I am to be here." Said the one bearable tribute, Maysilee.  
     "Almost as happy as I am to see Snow's head on a stick." I said not remotely amused.  
     " My name is Maysilee. Maysilee Donner."   
    " We need no introduction, everyone in Panem knows who we are now. One of the pawns who have the extraordinary opportunity to become something and win the Quarter Quell. The only price is to be as murderous as the mutts and each other." I said sternly.  
     " sorry I was trying to be nice? Maybe you would last longer with an ally you could trust." She said being obnoxiously difficult. Where is getting nice going to get you? A cozy spot two minutes into the bloodbath.  
"Why should I trust you? Just because we came from the same district doesn't mean I can trust you. I don't know you." I questioned.  
"Ok. My name is Maysilee Donner. I love the sound the rain makes when it hits my window. I could live off bread. I hate that my eyes are brown because crystal clear blue is my favorite color. My birthday is in the winter which is the worst time of year for you know, everyone in district 12. My brother committed suicide last year. I never talk about it to anyone but I have no problem accepting my own death." She said at an increased rate.  
I sat there saying nothing, staring into her brown eyes.  
"You're unbelievable." She said cut and dry.  
"The believable never win." I said which shut her up.  
     She was unbelievable. If the Games were a trivia on her life, I would have it down. I had no interest being allies with her. I haven't seen anything she could do, for all I know I would be better off with a plastic spoon as an ally.  
    When I thought we had a silent agreement not to talk she said, "Haymitch look at it." Her pupils blew up as they examined every inch of the Capitol's buildings. It made everyone in 12 look like we were pigs in a pen.


	4. Chapter 4

      The tribute parade, a part I don't want to remember. They were easily the ugliest costumes in Game history. Enough said.  
     Out of all 48 of us, there were maybe 7 that were actual threats. I would never show that of course. My strategy was being cocky. It definitely had its disadvantages, making me a big target to the careers. But with all the idiots herding the cornucopia, I could get a swift get away before they realize which direction I went. I showed no humbleness during training. A majority of tributes were scared of me, the others wanted to kill me. Or I guess they wanted to kill me because they were scared of me.  
     The human species hasn't been hunted as prey in a while, so of course a lot of us are unprepared. Not the careers. They were practically bred into this. As much as I would love to say I had the instinct naturally, I didn't. I was scared and this whole stuck up confidence thing was just an act. I was scared and apparently really good at hiding emotions. I felt like at any minute I could entirely crash.  
I got a training score of 9. I thought I deserved a solid 8. But after watching 46 tributes and only the first few were actually talented, I started looking pretty good. The interview was my most favorable moment.  
"So Haymitch what do you think about the games have 100% more competitors then usual?" Said Caesar Flickerman with dark green hair.  
"I don't see much difference they'll still be 100% as stupid as usual. So I figure my odds will be roughly the same." I said with a charming tone. The Capitol loved it.  
When I walked off I saw Maysilee stare at me with a death glare. Clearly she isn't okay with letting the people hear what they want to hear. The Capitol could care less about her she was boring and annoyed. But at the end of the day when even a pocket knife can make the difference, no ones going to be sending her anything. She may die being exactly who she wanted to be, but I might not die at all. Maysilee was like a bratty sister, you didn't want her, but you have to deal with them. I spent as little time with her as possible and got irritated every time she spoke. I never needed to talk to someone, but if I did it would be her. The only thing here that reminds me of home. Home. A touchy subject because it was a horrible and disgusting yet I missed it so much. The only time I thought I would ever hear or say 'I miss how it was in district 12'. For those three days I was here I could have anything at the snap of my fingers. Anything except to go home.  
The last night didn't feel like one night. To my own stupidity I stole some alcohol from the dining area had it comfort me the rest of the night. I wasn't drunk but I wasn't sober either. For a good 10 minutes I forgot what was happening the following day. I wasn't sure what my escort would do if she saw liquor casually sitting on my dresser but, I figured it wouldn't be good. To my dismay, I passed out before moving it and when I woke up it was gone. I was almost sure she was going to bring it up but that would also bring up the subject why she was in the room with a sleeping 16 year old. What could she done anyway ? Scold me for drinking underage during the possible last days of my life?  
Then it was time to go. I said goodbye to no one. At this point they probably understood they are all worthless to me. I was sent to my stylist and they inserted a tracker into my arm. We dressed in simple black t shirts and pants symboling a good sign for moderate weather. I bet with myself on how many I thought would die in the bloodbath. Hopefully half. The sooner this is over the better.  
My heart was beating out of my chest. Not literally, thankfully. I felt lightweight and energetic. I was so anxious to skip the first 20 minutes of the games. It was going to take a lot in me to not run off the pedestal as soon as I'm up. It's almost as if I'm excited. I am excited but in the most negative way possible. This was it, I was going up.


	5. Chapter 5

      The whole scenery was beautiful. A mountain, meadows, you wouldn't think it was the games until the cornucopia. I was so distracted I didn't realize what was happening until there were 15 seconds left on the countdown. Because there were 48 of us, we were more spread out and farther from the cornucopia then usual. Great. Running. The logical thing would be to run the opposite direction. But with 48 people that means the games will last even longer, so no supplies wasn't an option.  
     5,4,3,2,1.  
     I bolted paying no attention to anyone else. After I reached the cornucopia I was gasping for air, my lungs were in no condition for this. I looked around to see people still on the platform, just staring.   
    A spear glided inches away from my head, but hitting a strong competitor from 7. I pulled a medium sized knife from a near by body and quickly threw it at the girl who was good at throwing spears. My adrenaline was going insane. I grabbed a backpack on the ground and fled towards the woods. Everyone was heading towards the mountain which looked a little too good to be true.   
     Every second you felt someone was chasing you. Every time you looked back, you slowed down. Every time you looked back, your own shadow gives you a mini heart attack. A world where the last people you see won't be existent in a week. A world where someone has to be scared of their own shadow.   
      After ten minutes of running in the woods I stopped. My adrenaline kept up with my breath and I felt great. I just killed someone. The continuous sound of cannons meant that was one less person I had to deal with. I was bitter and excited. Let them come and find me, I don't care. I'm ready. And if I'm not, I wasn't meant to win. They are just games after all. And in thousands of years, when other civilizations are looking back at this, I hope they laugh at the stupidity of our government. And better yet, I hope we have a brutal down fall. I want there to be an end of Panem. Or at least, this Panem.  
     I wonder what the citizens think of me now. Am I still cocky and fearless? Did I have a scared look on my face as I ran away? Then the questions started running through my mind. Was my brother still alive? No, It doesn't matter. It's either I win and can pay for proper treatment or I loose and well, that's it.  
      That's when is start to calm down. When my body finally starts realizing I can't run this long.  
     I sat down and opened my backpack. A very small water bottle filled with water, a knife, a compass and packets of oatmeal. Oatmeal? Why didn't they supply a nice stove and sink too? After hours of walking I ended up at a tree with a nice enough place to stay the night.   
     I wondered what every one else was doing. I didn't care that there were a good 10 tributes specifically looking for me. Thinking about it, the less I thought the games were about killing each other, but more about not letting you kill yourself. The career tributes weren't nearly as scary as the horrible things you were thinking in your head. I spent a majority of time thinking of every possible way to commit suicide. Now I don't know a whole lot about berries, but everyone I seen was nightshade. I heard in the hob that they are trying to combine two types of berries, nightshade being one of them, to kill the tributes immediately instead of twenty to thirty minutes. I supposed if I encountered a mutt and let it kill me it is not  considered suicide. Slitting my own throat. Jump head first from a tree. Jump off the edge. Is there an edge? There has to be. The arena can't go on forever. I wouldn't suppose they included an emergency exit sign at this so called end. Going there would give me time away from the careers. As much as I think about taking my own life, I would never. I have a reputation and that would surely ruin it. Anyway, I have a few things to get back to.  
I thought of the good things back home. I'll get to smell Belladonna. Everyone has their own smell, and I loved hers. But I haven't smelled it in years because I became so used to her.  
I was trying to be a killer, but thinking of home made that hard. She told me not to leave, I left. She told me to stop thinking of only myself, I have to do that again too.  
The holograph in the sky appeared. It showed everyone who had died today. Only 18, I'm disappointed. Maysilee is alive, but the other two tributes from 12 aren't. I don't care, no, not at all. I had a bet with my self they wouldn't make it past the bloodbath and I was probably right.   
I figured it would be best to sleep for 4 hours, walk for about an hour, then sleep for another 3 hours. That didn't work, my body wasn't used to it. Luckily it was used to waking up early, making me feel a lot safer.  
Two days later, I had made my way up father north, trying to find the end of the arena. I stumbled upon a stream with the girl from 5 looking for some food. Trying to keep my distance, I watched from afar. After a few minutes she got down and gulped down some water from the stream. I was going to kill her, but when she got farther away. I wouldn't want her blood contaminating the water I was going to use, plus I wasn't completely sure if she had any allies near by. And then, about twenty seconds after, she dropped dead with foam in her mouth. Did she eat something right before ? I wasn't sure, but then I noticed it. All of the berries were slightly darker then usual. Nightshade was everywhere. I knew she wasn't wounded since I had a pretty good look at her and foam clearly stated poison. It was the water. The whole arena was poisoned.  
I had a good amount of oatmeal left and some water, but that wasn't going to last.   
About 15 minutes later, I seen the girl was being followed. Three tributes lined up in front of me and I had nothing but a knife. One was a career but not a very good one, the other two were just mediocre.   
The first one lunged at me and I immediately swiped at his throat. 1 down, 2 to go. I showed a slight smirk at the sound of the cannon. This time, they both ran at me, one wasn't as strong as me but pretty fast. As for the career, yeah his name was Hercules. The smaller one got to me first and realized he couldn't push me down, so he tried to get me against a tree. My attempts to stab him missed so I pushed him on the ground trying to prepare for the career.   
He immediately pinned me to the ground, smacking my head on a root from a tree. He tried reaching for his knife but couldn't do so without taking his strength off me. Letting one arm go to grab his knife, I kicked him off me and rolled over. The smaller one came over throwing a punch to my head. Getting up a few seconds later I got up, pushing the smaller one into a tree and shoving the knife into his gut. The knife went right through, stuck into the tree. Before I could get it out the career tackled me to the ground and throwing heavy punches. I had no power. He got up, walking over to pick up a rock about four times the size of my fist. I heard the cannon, the kid I had just impelled is finally dead. The cannon is going to be the last thing I'm ever going to hear. Then suddenly, he collapses right on top of me. The rock out of his grip and falling on to my arm.   
Maysilee walks out holding a dart gun. The darts contained poison, she was a genius. I got up and grabbed my bag and two knives from the tributes. Right after the cannon she said," we would last longer with the two of us."   
"Yeah." I said with no emotion," I guess you just proved that."  
The fourth day we had no water and the oatmeal only made my mouth dryer. I had little strength and the arena seemed endless. At the end of the day, I took a tree for lookout and she stayed on the ground. Right before dusk, I could see smoke rising for the east. It was no fire a tribute was going to make. The small triangle in the distance then made sense. It was the snow capped mountain, it was a volcano. The cannons went off, and by that night, there were only 13 of us left. The holograph showed and lucky for us, almost of all of the careers are dead.   
The next day a sponsor of mine sent some apples. At this point we were desperate for water and the apples did supply some form of liquid when you bit into them. Fortunately,it rained that night and the rain was safe. I filled up my water bottle and drank it when needed.   
Maysilee didn't think we should be looking for the end and she fought me on it often. But within the two days she became somewhat of an acquaintance. I didn't talk about myself much, but she talked about herself and it was nice considering the situation.  
I finally reached the end of the arena. It was just a trench, and then it continues to the other side, that's where it actually ends.  
"Well this is it. I hope that trip was worth your view of the end of the arena. But I'm going to go. There's only 6 left." She said as she started walking in the other direction.  
"Okay." I knew we couldn't both be winners.  
When she was out of sight, I picked up a small rock and tried throwing it to the other side. I wasn't even close to reaching it, it fell down to where a stream ran. Then I heard the sound appear right next to me. I looked up, nothing could have fell. I then looked down to the rock right where it was when I picked it up. Did it come back? I picked up a larger rock and tossed it into the pit. It came back up returning to its same position. It was cool technology wise, but I don't know how it could help me.  
Then I heard a scream not so far away, it was Maysilee. I didn't need to go to her aid, we weren't allies anymore. But I did. I did because Belladonna told me to stop thinking of only myself. I ran to find her lying down with blood gushing out of her neck. A pink bird with a sharp beak lied about 10 feet away with a knife stuck in its eye.  
She tried speaking,"Haymit--." The bird damaged her voice box.   
"Hey shhhh, shhh. Don't talk to me look up. You said your favorite color was crystal clear blue right? Look at the sky." I found myself choking on my words as I held her one hand.  
"And the clouds, they look like the bunnies. The clouds are soft, warm cotton, you're safe. The woods, we are home." I said softly. With that the cannon shot. I knew the Capitol didn't give you much time to leave before they picked them up so I got up and headed back towards the edge. She was a good ally, but me and her both knew it had to end. We both knew we couldn't both live.  
There was only four of us left. And by noon, only two. I wrapped my hand that the rock had fell on earlier. I wasn't going to tire myself out and look for the last tribute, the game makers would just push her to me.   
About an hour later she showed up. I sat their waiting with my legs crossed looking over the edge. I turned around, she looked like she was made to win the games with her well built body and height probably around 5"10. Her blonde hair was up and was still pin straight. Clearly the last couple days haven't been too hard on her. She threw her bag to the side and kept twirling her axe as a sign of taunting. I got up holding my knife in my right hand.  
She full force swung her axe but I dodged out of the way just in time. Her fighting style was a little different then what I was used to because she was left handed, this was gonna be a problem. It was a constant back and forth of swing and dodge. I made a few cuts in her back and face, but nothing fetal. She kicked me down, I dropped the knife but easily got back up.I held her arms so she couldn't swing the axe and head butted her right in the nose.Right after I sprung to grab the knife, then launching my knife right into her left eye.  
She had done damage, but nothing from the axe. I punched her in the face, knocking her down and giving me enough time to catch some breath. When she got back up she swung her hand, I went to block it and she lodged her axe right into my guts. This did an incredible amount of damage, making it hard for me to move. I used what was left of my strength and pushed her down a few feet away. Not knowing where my knife went, I thought of the only other possible weapon I could think of, the force field. I wasn't sure if it was gonna work, but I didn't have much of choice. I walked to about 5 feet away from the edge when my legs gave out. The dirt and rock dug up my knee as I tried to move out of the way, it was no use. I tried to think that my intestines weren't climbing out of my body. The axe was flying in my direction.


	6. Chapter 6

     My eyes struggled to stay open as the bright lights shined right into my face. The room was cold and giving me goosebumps on my leg. I looked down to see I was wearing a powder blue hospital gown with little red blood spots fading over the bottom left section of my stomach. Checking my stomach area I seen stitches carefully crossed my skin. IVs connected to my arm and I could tell my hair was unbelievably greasy. On the table next to me was expensive snacks and really fancy bottles of water.  
      After about 10 minutes of staring and absorbing the environment, a Capitol nurse walked in the door.  
      "Haymitch Abernathy, I'm your nurse Finnelle. Congratulations." She said as writing something on a board.   
Why was she congratulating me?  For having her as a nurse? No. Those 10 minutes I was sitting here, incapable of thinking about why I was here.   
      I was in the Hunger Games. And i survived? The last thing I remember is an axe flying towards me as I fell to the ground. The girl wasn't injured in a way that she could have dropped dead. How did I win? I didn't seem too injured besides the fact my intestines were falling out. The feeling in my fingers went numb and my stomach sickened.  
      "What happened? After I collapsed."   
     The nurse bit her lip as she was preparing some medicine. "You outsmarted the Game makers with your force field trick. The axe missed you and came back hitting her right in her skull."  
     Trick. I was delusional and knocking on death's door. It was self defense not, I want to piss the Capitol off. But I guess that doesn't apply to the Games. Of course I knew how the force field worked, but I didn't think the axe would actually hit her. Actually I don't know what I thought was going to happen. I did want it to hit her. The Capitol set one rule, no cannibalism. I didn't break it. Even if they are mad, the people would be outraged at the death of a victor.  
      "Is my family here? My brother is he okay?" I asked, not noticing any sign of their presence.  
      "No, they were going to stay in District 12 since the money is in your name and they can't use it for anything yet. You are going home later tonight  and then returning to the Capitol for an exclusive quarter quell interview next week. As for your brother, they haven't told me anything so he is probably fine." She exited the room and my escort, Calica Bronzettia, walked in. She was wearing a puffy grey and black dress in crested with coal pieces all over. Her dark make up made her look like a ghost.  
      " Oh Haymitch! I always knew you would be the winner!" Her high pitched voice was enough to give anyone a headache. "Now, we have seem to run into a little misunderstanding. The Capitol doesn't seem to like your force field idea. And well, is identifying it as an act of treason. Now, now, don't count yourself out yet. I have arranged an interview tonight with Caesar and you can set this right."  
     I sighed. There is no getting away from this. "How could they have seen it as treason? It was me finding a way to kill a tribute just like they wanted."  
     "Yes, well it seems as you were going against the government by outsmarting them. Like I said, just a misunderstanding." She clapped her hands together as if this was a great thing for either of us.  
     I sat up in a more comfortable position. "I thought I could go home tonight."  
      "Why would you want to go home? Enjoy the Capitol and it's fine qualities." Her eyes quickly shown signs of sorry." I'll get you on the train tomorrow."  
     An hour later she came back with note cards for me to practice for the interview. I wasn't saying any of it. They said things like I didn't know I was near the force field, I was dumbfounded at the fact the Capitol invented such fine technology, and worst of all, a long passage about how terrible the dark days were and how a rebellion would be the last thing anyone should do.  
      They dressed me up in a sharp dark grey suit with my every single hair on my head perfectly placed. I looked perfectly healthy aside from my stomach, which they Obviously couldn't see. I thought the interview was going to be two minutes like usual, i was wrong. It was 12 minutes of Caesar asking questions at a quick pace.  
      "So Haymitch, growing up in a place where you weren't the richest, you have a lot of things to look forward to. What is the first thing your going to spend your money on?" He asked with genuine interest.   
      I completely forgot that money was even apart of the package. There was so many things I needed to buy, I wasn't sure if one thing stuck out. And I was pretty sure they wouldn't be happy with an answer like a real shower. Then it hit me.  
      "You know Caesar, I go back tomorrow but I haven't seen my brother yet and he was really sick before, not even attending the reaping." My throat had a lump in it. I suddenly felt my body getting sweaty.   
     " I wasn't able to contact them and I'm not sure he's better yet. Or alive for that matter." They could see how hard it was for me to talk about it, " So definitely great medical care for him and my girlfriend's father."   
     "We all wish the best for your brother." Caesar said and then had a moment of silence. "Now that brings us to another subject, your girlfriend. We just heard he had one, sorry ladies." A bunch of the crowed sighed. I showed a slight smirk, and rubbed the shoelace I still had on my wrist.  
     He asked me questions about my arrogance in the beginning, and how i really wasn't kidding when I told him I was going to win. Then the topic came up, the force field.  
     "How did you feel when you were on your knees, moments before you passed out." Asked Caesar.  
     " You know, it's a really foggy memory but, I can tell you how I feel now. I was reaped in there with the same objective as it has been for 50 years. Be the last survivor. I was in there with the same one rule, no cannibalism. I followed the same rules everyone else has, no crime committed.  I'm almost offended they want to point this as a federal issue. I don't see anyway that is even close to an act of rebellion." With that, the room was filled with claps.  
     "Well, okay there you have it, Haymitch Abernathy's views on him winning the second quarter quell. " Caesar tried to laugh it off. "And I believe that's all we have time for," we both stand up." Haymitch Abernathy, district 12!"  
    Calica wasn't too happy with my response. She thought they were gonna take it out on her but people of Panem liked it for the most part.  
The whole ride home the next morning was her scolding me for not listening to her and the index cards.   
"You know, the last victor that made the Capitol mad, is ignored by everyone. I don't even remember their name. And I especially don't know who their escort was." She said while having her nails painted.  
I sighed and threw my head back into the chair. "This may be a shocker to you, but being ignored by your crowed would be something I would be more than happy living with." She gasped in shock and pouted.  
I got up and headed for the shower since I was going to be home in a few hours.  
I dressed casual, something I missed. I grabbed a bagel and headed into the back of the train. Hoping to spend the next couple hours alone, Calica walked in.  
"If you're here to talk about my bad decision making, let me grab the ear plugs before you start." I said extremely annoyed.  
She showed no emotion which was completely out of her character. "The head game maker and your mentor are dead."  
    I saw my face in the mirror beside her. My pupils dilated to about 50% more their usual size. My stomach felt like a knot which isn't saying much considering my intestines practically are. My mouth opened but i had no idea what to say.  
    "Both ruled as suicide." She took off her globes and wiped the sweat off. She was terrified. We both knew they weren't suicides. The Capitol killed them, she wouldn't say it, and if she did, they would probably kill her too. I don't think they would target her too, but I have no idea. I didn't think they would go this far in the first place.  
      "Okay. So I said something they didn't like, they reacted. They're done right?" I tried to make her feel safe, but she knows the Capitol better then I do, they play to win.  
        She didn't respond. She can't say much, there are probably cameras on the train. She left the train and I spent the last couple hours alone. The farther i got from the Capitol, the safer I felt. It then came to me that I have to return next week. And in 6 months. And as a mentor. I didn't really win. I'll never get off this train.  
     The train stopped and I made my way to the middle of the train where the door met home. I saw Calica holding a handkerchief with black smudges on it. Her eyes were red and her makeup faintly ran down her face.  
     "You can't get rid of me that easy. You'll be getting calls about your schedule." She turned around and went back into another room as I gave a slight nod.   
     I stepped outside, it was cold and about 2 in the morning. I started walking home ignoring the cold but enjoying the sound of the leaves blowing across the district. I got to it and walked in, nothing was there. I completely forgot about my new home in Victor's Village. It was a decently far walk from my house, at least 25 minutes. The Capitol asked if I wanted a peacekeeper to drive me, but I was positive I would rather walk. My brother worried me. I'm not sure of his state and I'm not sure I want to know. I would like to think my mother would have reached out for me if he had, but I'm not sure if we have a phone yet.  The walk home seemed longer then the ride home from the Capitol.   
     I wonder if things will be different. Of course they will, we don't need to starve ever again. We don't need to do anything ever again. Not that my mom did much to start with. I wonder how I'll be. I don't feel any different. How has killing these people going to change me? If I could restart, I would do the same thing. I feel remorse for them, but not guilty.


	7. Chapter 7

     I stepped into the gate that says Victor's Village. Population of Victors: 1. I wonder if Orion was home. If I'm standing just 30 feet away from another death I caused. I could stay out here all night, but my toes were loosing feeling. Coal scared me. I spent my week in a world with killer animals, poisonous everything and killer teenagers and my harmless little brother is what scared me most. Maybe it's because I would put my life before his or maybe because my life hasn't been considered living anyway.   
     I put my hand on the door knob, it was cold and made my hand feel like it was glued to it. I saw a yellow light through the window. It was a candle, a candle to represent a new start. Yellow, a color to symbolize happiness.  
    I opened the door and seen my mother and Bella sleeping in the chairs with their head on the dining table. At the sound of the door, my mom sprung her head up and ran over to me for a hug. My eyes started to fill with tears at the absence of my younger brother. "Coal?" I said quietly trying to restrain from crying.  
      "He's upstairs in bed. He is slowly getting better." She said hugging me even tighter. I bit my lip and nestled my head in her neck for relief.  
       My mom offered to wake up Bella, but I didn't think that was necessary. I doubt she got much sleep over the past week. I toured the house and paid attention to the little things. I thought of staying up all night, but that wouldn't be much fun for everyone trying to talk to me tomorrow.   
     I slept on the rocking chair in the corner of  Coal's room. I woke up to the sound of him coughing at 8 in the morning. I readjusted my body and he realized I was awake.   
"Did you bring back the bagels with the really fancy cream cheese?" He asked. I smiled at him. He was referring to bagels that they had at the bakery on my 12th birthday. My family had enough money for me to get one small thing, and I chose the bagel and cream cheese. I took one bite and realized it was amazing. I gave Coal a bite, and he thought it was the best thing he had ever tasted it. So i gave him the rest of the bagel. They came from the Capitol, and as far as we know, never came back to the bakery. "You can have an endless amount of those bagels. I was a little busy this time, but you'll get them."   
He gave a slight chuckle then gave a hoarse cough. He was still tired and struggled to keep his eyes open. I told him I'll check on him later then made my way downstairs.   
I called in two doctors from the Capitol that we're going to give Coal and Bella's dad the medical attention they needed. As soon as I finished the call, I sat down to the chair closest to Bella on the table. I took her open hand that was laying on the table,the shoelace she tied rubbing against her skin. A smile crept from her face, her eyes still closed. " I wondered when the boy who kept taking my shoes was going to return with my shoelace." She got up and opened her eyes, the eyes I've been waiting to see." Not gonna lie, you took a little longer this time. I didn't know what i was gonna do without them." She said as embracing me with a hug and playing with my hair. I could smell her again, it wasn't necessarily a good smell. It wouldn't smell that good to anyone else, but it was home to me.The shoelace on my hand was dirty and barely managing by a thread. I always had long sleeves, so I assume the Capitol didn't notice till the Games started.   
"Yeah the quarter quell queen was a little busy this week. But it's funny, you would think it would have been done quicker since I had two functioning ankles." I said as we joked about the time she broke my ankle.  
"Queen huh? I always knew I was the man of the relationship. You don't have the guts to be." She laughed.  
"Ha ha ha. Very funny." I said sarcastically as I lifted my shirt to show her the stitches.  
She guided her hand softly over them. "Does it hurt?"  
"It's a little hard to walk and feels a lot different but eh." I said uncertain on how to answer.  
We didn't speak much of the games. They knew I felt weird talking about it and they saw a good chunk of it. The week went too quick and I had to go back, but Coal was completely cured and Bella's dad was going to be okay. He had to go to the Capitol for a month of treatment that couldn't be done without a professional hospital. The Capitol talk about my acts of 'treason' seemed to be dying down. And after the interview, I'd be home until the tour.  
I left my family, but I would be back in less then 3 days. The minute I walked on the train Calica scolded me, stressing I can't mess up this interview. With that, I spent hours studying the note cards. If I had to lie to get the Capitol off my back, I was okay with that.  
They dressed me in black suit with grey smoke clouds patterned all over. I thought I looked okay until they decided to plunge a bunch of make up on me.   
I walked on and sat down in the chair.   
"How many times are we gonna see you this month." Caesar said with his obnoxious laugh." No, always a pleasure Haymitch. Now let's get serious. This treason issue."  
He right off the bat went to the issue, and I feel like we weren't leaving it. "Well Caesar, like i said last time, it's a total misunderstanding. I think it's a good thing the topic is up, so the future tributes know the world is watching, the Capitol is watching. Those who think about cheating will second guess there selves. Obviously, treason is a big topic and they have to be sure. I think this story, once it's over, will show us and educate us so something like this doesn't happen again. They have a right to be concerned, there is no room for that type of corruption. You know in such a long running big event, there's going to be corruption and it's crucial they keep it contained." I said, hoping I didn't say anything wrong.  
"So are you admitting to cheating?" Asked Caesar. I was stunned. Has he heard anything I just said.  
     "No. What is cheating? How do you cheat in the Games? They didn't say don't use the force field. No one told me it was like that. I had just as fair as a chance than anyone else. I was also accused of outsmarting them? That's not my fault. The Capitol was wrong to do this out of jealo--." I stopped right in my words. I paused like a deer in headlights. I said the Capitol was wrong. I started sweating uncontrollably. I was probably the first one to run off of an interview with Caesar. I went back to the hotel and grabbed my things, packing them back up.   
      My heart started racing as if it wanted to ware out. My breathing got heavier and heavier and tears filled my eyes. I sat down pressing my palms to my eyes.   
      Calica walked in and I looked at her with teary eyes, " I got angry. I didn't know what I was saying. I fucked up.They are going to hurt me. They are going to hurt you. I have to go home. I can't be here any longer, please let me go home." She could sense my anxiety taking over. She wasn't budging to respond. "What are you doing?" I raised my voice at her. "YOU HAVE TO GET ME OFF THIS TRAIN. I REALLY FUCKED IT UP THIS TIME." I was screaming at her. I was angry and I was scared and she wouldn't do anything.  
       She left, and minutes later returned with hot tea. She set it down showing sorrow in her eyes. I didn't really want it, but drank it anyway.   
      I woke up on the train. She explained a little later she used a drug to put me to sleep and calm me down. It worked, but my hands still had uncontrollable shaking and my chest felt heavy. I never acted like this.  
     They dropped me off and I sprinted full speed home. The adrenaline not allowing my breath to run out. Almost everyone in the district greeted and tried starting conversation. Most can't afford TVs so they wouldn't have seen the interview.   
    I reached my house, I walked in and stood behind the door. I listened. I couldn't hear anything. I stared straight. The only movement in the house caught my attention, the flicker of the yellow candle. The house was pretty much how I left it, no noticeable differences. It wasn't destroyed.   
       The candle had a large puddle of melted wax, showing it has been lit for hours. A square piece of pale violet paper was underneath the candle. I didn't want to read it. I wanted to believe it was a letter from my family saying they were out buying food. I knew that wasn't true. Or at least, a part of me did. I picked it up, but my hand was so shaky I had to lay my arm against the table. The paper was a note with sharp handwriting.   
There is no such thing as       outsmarting the Capitol.  
                                     President Snow

       My body wasn't responding. It was in shock. His handwriting was so warming, so kind. Yet the words were lethal. I was hoping it was just a warning, saying not to make such a mistake again. That my family really was out, healthy and all.  
      From the other room, I heard the Capitol's sweet jingle playing, symboling an important announcement was going to start. I walked over to the room with the holographic screen. Shown there was no one other then president Snow.  
     The camera and mic clicked, letting me know it was a two sided conversation.  
     "Haymitch Abernathy, I have been wanting to speak to you for a couple weeks now. I thought I was going to have to wait for the tour, thank you for giving me a reason." He said in the calm voice he always speaks in.  
      "You know I didn't mean it. I was angry and wasn't thinking." I pleaded, a few tears falling from my eyes.  
     "Anger is the only time anyone is ever truthful. Just as you said, this will be a lesson for the future of Panem."   
     Before i could respond, the channel switched to a countdown, the same countdown used in the games before they start. I waited impatiently. Every number like a stab, each one hurting more and more.   
    The time hit 0. It showed a live stream of a wall, on the wall the Capitol's  logo. Zooming out it showed my mother, Coal and Bella lined up on a wall. My heart sank immediately, everything I feared was confirmed true. I was waiting for them to stop what they were doing and for them to call it a joke or a warning. I was waiting for me to wake up.   
      All in one swift motion, three peacekeepers used the same movements. Everything in the same coordination. Then all as one, they pulled the trigger. The sound of gun fire physically hurt me as the people I love most laid dead on the floor. I was sick to my stomach. It was my fault, not theirs. And the Capitol put their hearts on the line. But they wanted to make an impression. And that was the only way left to hurt me.  
        I went to the bathroom and sat in the bathtub. I was damaged. Constantly bending over to throw up, which is completely unsafe considering I'm held together by some stitches. My head was throbbing. My mental and physical conditions were unbearable, but I was very much alive.  
       I thought of the train ride home, the little hope I had then. I thought about how Calica, who talked all the time, didn't say a word. And then it made sense. She knew. She knew and she wouldn't tell me. She knew I would go after them, be with them. She probably found out when I was knocked out. She's almost as horrible as Snow.  
     I stayed in the bathtub for two days.I got up when the uncomfortable rubbing of the shoelace was digging into, irritating my skin. It was mocking me. Something once so meaningful and pure was causing noticeable pain.   
     I opened the bathroom drawer. I looked in the mirror. I didn't look like me at all. My face sunken, eyes were bloodshot red. I checked my stitches, it looked infected. I found a small knife in the drawer. I picked it up, it was delicate in my hands, but so dangerous.   
      I slid it under the shoelace, trying to rip it off. But it's been there so long. It's been through so much and wouldn't adapt to the change. I had little strength and was using my hand that was not dominant. It wouldn't come off. I gave up, it wasn't tearing.   
     I was frustrated. I was depressed. It smelled horrible. I barely had a purpose besides to be a hopeless kids' mentor. I was both angry and sad but I kept switching in between the two. I held them so close and now it was as if I was holding a ghost.I picked up the knife once more and inspected it. I carefully observed every angle, ever edge on the blade. Gripping it in my hand, i shoved right into the lace, going through my arm. Sure enough, the shoelace ripped but at the cost of my wrist. I looked at the blood gushing out of it. "What am I doing?" I whispered to myself.   
      Suicide appeared as an option ever since then. Until one day, I decided I couldn't. That's what the Capitol would want me to do. They think they got me, and if you ask me, they did, or they made me believe that. But as long as I'm still functioning, they didn't. I hated being alive, but I hated the Capitol more.  
About a month after the execution, Bella's dad came home from the Capitol. No one there really knew it he was related to her, or who she was.   
"I'm the reason your daughter is dead." I cried to him.  
"You were also the reason she was alive." He sounded sincere. He was devastated, but not angry like most people would have been. I looked puzzled at him, unsure of what I did that kept her alive.  
"Do you really think she would have survived without you hunting and helping all those years? She would have died when ever I got sick. If not, before then."  
I looked at him. I was unsure if I really thought that, or if he did.  
"Haymitch you are a victor. Don't think of the one time you couldn't save your family, think of all the times you did. You saved me. That might not seem much to you, but it meant everything to Bella. Best of all, you gave the Capitol hell with the force field. The Rebels got some hope with that."

I wanted the Capitol to fall. Maybe then I could have joy in my life. But in the mean time I needed something to distract me. And that thing was alcohol. When I was 17, I got alcohol poisoning and nearly died due to the damage done to my intestines. After that, I was constantly getting checked up on. I couldn't change who I've become.Over time, I became more bitter and more careless. All the tributes were hopeless and if I was drunk enough, they became jokes to pick on. I couldn't afford to get anyone close to me, I've dealt with enough loss. The only thing that kept me going was alcohol and my horrible jokes. I was a joke to the Capitol at reapings, and every other event I was forced to attend, and that's how I wanted it to be.


	8. Chapter 8

It took me 6 days to tell Zayle the whole story. But that was because I tolerated too many questions then I should had. I also couldn't talk about it unless I was completely hammered, so basically anytime after 1. I probably used more details then needed but that is the first and last time I'll ever be telling it.   
I stumbled over into the the kids' house wearing sweatpants, a t shirt, and my once famous beanie. Their baby is due any day now and they haven't decided on a name. They know it's a girl, the kid wants to name it after some foreign bread while Katniss wants to name it after some nature shit. They keep arguing over the names, unable to agree on anything.  
"Can you shut the hell up? I have a headache." I said leaning over their kitchen island.  
"I'm just saying, if I carried this thing around for 9 months I'm not naming it after yeast. Haymitch will agree. Right?" She brought me into there feud.   
"Listen, sweetheart. You know I'm not getting into you two asking me to choose between two horrible names. I came over for some ice." I said while opening the freezer.  
"Then what do you think is a good name?" Peeta asked while crossing his arms.  
"Haymitch." I said while sitting down at the table.  
They both sighed. Probably disappointed I wouldn't take them seriously. Zayle walked in, probably over hearing some of the conversation. "Mom." He called to the other room where Annie sat," what does my name mean?"  
She put down the baby clothes she was sewing and thought for a second. "Strength of the sea." She said and then continued to sew. Zayle joined her in the other room, leaving us three again.  
"See," said Katniss directing at Peeta, " that name has meaning." She looked over at me as I sipped down the remains in my flask. "Haymitch. What is a Haymitch?"   
I thought for a minute. I don't think I was ever told. We had much bigger problems to worry about then to ask what my name meant. "I think a plant of some sort. It might be shocking to you, but I never cared to find out." I said to her. She rolled her eyes and left the room.   
She came back 5 minutes later with a giant book of plants in this part of the world. She handed it to me. I figured I would look through it since my name is the only thing that has been here since the beginning and hasn't left. I flipped through quick, but a certain name caught my eye. Atropa Belladonna. Commonly know as belladonna or deadly nightshade.  
The name brought back the memories, and I wasn't drunk enough to just shake them off. I tried not to make a scene. I calmly closed the book and made my way out back to my house. They were used to me coming and going anyway.   
Things got bad again. I realized why I stayed alive in the first place, to see the government crumble, to show them who really won in the end. I did. I thought of how I felt right after they took the lives of my family and how I felt right now. I wasn't any happier. I was more satisfied but my kind can't be happy. I was okay, but every year got worse and worse. Everyday I thought of the day they were executed and of every horrible day after that. I still had the bright yellow candle that lied to me, the one that told me the Capitol would leave me alone.I still had the faint red stain of blood on my sink from wrist where the shoe lace was. And i still had the shoelace. It wasn't tied, but it was wrapped around the candle some where in a drawer.  
There is no such thing as forgetting or moving on. I could never let anything get close to me, in fear of loosing it. So what was the point? Not even Effie. Especially Effie. She was the exact opposite as Bella, and she reminded me that with everything she did.  
The Mellark child was born. I drank a lot. It was the last straw. I couldn't let anything come close or get attached. Every time I look at someone they die. That's how it's been, the trend may be postponed but it won't stop. It's inevitable. People hold children and feel happiness, like they are pure and safe. I held... I don't remember her name but I held her and I felt broken. I felt that my job was complete. Every victor was genuinely happy now. All except one.  
After I put her back in the arms of the girl who deserved to be happy I left. It reminded me of one of the times when she needed me to be there for her. It was a day when she went into the woods and didn't come back at her usual time. Two hours later, the kid was worried but brushed it off, four hours, he was worried but thought she needed time, 6 hours, he sent me in the woods because he didn't know them as well and he had an episode the last night.   
After about an hour of walking, I found her sitting down against a tree.   
"You know sweetheart, some longitude and latitude coordinates or even a nice little note would have saved this old man a lot of time and energy." I sat down next to her and removed her hair out of her mouth. Her braid was falling out and she had a leaf in her hair.   
We sat there for 10 minutes. Listening to our surroundings. She seemed to feel at home, I felt like I had lived a thousand lifetimes since I spent time here. I was getting bored. I guess it was bonding, but i didn't really care.  
"Now I know your not one to talk about your feelings, but when you've been in the woods for 10 hours, not telling anyone where you are or wha-."  
"Haymitch." She stopped me and we made direct eye contact. Her face was tired the bags under eyes too familiar.  
"I'm pregnant. I'm scared." She paused. "Just last night Peeta had an episode. I don't think I should have agreed to be a parent." She said as she began to cry again. This was news to me. I would have never thought she would have agreed. I always thought Peeta gave so much, while Katniss struggled to show her appreciation. I never thought she deserved that boy, but she really does make a silent effort. I wanted to tell her she was going to be a good parent and Peeta would never accidentally hurt them. But I couldn't, because I didn't think she would be that great of a parent. There were multiple times in her life when she couldn't care of just herself. I wiped her cheeks dry but didn't reply, she wouldn't have liked my response.  
"When I'm unable to be a parent, the times when I'm calming Peeta or the days when I need to be completely alone, can you promise me you will take care of it?" She asked needing an honest answer.  
I put my head down and slightly shook my head. I couldn't and I wasn't strong enough to tell her why.

 

I started walking to the hob. My knees hurt. I'm walking the same way I walked when I was 10 years old with a broken ankle. The same way I walked when I was 16 with my stomach all sewn up. All for different reasons but with one thing in common, something was broken. I made my purchase and told her it was for Mrs. Everdeen.  
On the way back home I take the long way. Observe the things I haven't before. Say hi to people I never knew, but they probably know me. I got to my house, I take my shoes off and tie them into the tree in the front yard. The tree is no taller then 15 feet, so they wouldn't be hard to get down.  
I go inside and sat down, for the first time, I didn't want any more alcohol. I wasn't weak, I was tired. The game was over and it was time for me to go to bed. I think of water and how it seemed so harmless, could erode the hardest of substances over time.   
The note was in the coffee table drawer. The same one that Snow had left my so many years ago. I flip it over, ignoring the burn marks made by the candle. The pale violet always mocking me. Grabbing a pen I wrote something everyone wanted to see.  
It's about time I got off that train.  
My handwriting is sloppy and I'm not sure if anyone would ever be able to tell what it said. But I guess that will have to be their problem.  
I grab the deadly nightshade from my pocket. The hob worker thought it was going to be used for medicine, and in a twisted way, it is.  
I place the berries in my mouth and think, I always knew Belladonna was going to be the death of me.


End file.
